What happens if my ex won’t go to mediation

Your ex may fear that you haven’t accepted that the relationship is over and that you are attempting to get back together with them. In reality, by going to mediation you are both accepting that you are separating and looking to address the practical issues associated with this.

Your ex may believe that, because you have contacted a mediator, they will be on your side during the process. In fact, mediators are impartial experts whose role is to guide you through the process and support you in finding a mutually acceptable settlement.

Your ex may be concerned that mediation will be another source of anxiety for them at what is already a difficult time. Mediation, though, is often much less stressful than a court hearing, where the adversarial nature of the proceedings can deepen divisions.

By helping separating couples talk through issues in a constructive manner, mediation can provide the platform for a future cordial relationship – benefitting the individuals and their children. The flexibility of mediation also means that sessions can be arranged around work and childcare commitments, and breaks can be taken whenever required.

Your ex may be uneasy with the idea of discussing personal matters with a stranger. The mediator, though, will not judge you or your ex, or apportion blame. In addition, everything said in the process is confidential. By contrast, a court hearing could involve talking in front of more people and in a confrontational atmosphere.

Some people fear that by going to mediation they are losing control of the process. The mediation process actually puts you and your ex in charge of deciding on future arrangements. Whereas a court hearing will see a judge impose a settlement, mediation enables you to work together to find common ground. Many people find the mediation process allows them to maintain their self-esteem as they know that their voice has been listened to and respected.

Separation can be an expensive business for many people with the need to find new accommodation and pay household bills on their own. Your ex may view mediation as an unnecessary expense at such a difficult time.

Mediation, though, is usually much cheaper than legal proceedings. You may also be eligible for a government scheme which offers vouchers of up to £500 towards the cost of mediation in cases involving children.

It is possible that your ex is refusing to go to mediation as they fear becoming bogged down indefinitely in the process at a time w hen they are eager to move on with their lives. In fact, mediation is usually much quicker than the legal process – especially now that Covid-19 has caused delays and backlogs to the court system.

Many mediation cases are resolved with between three and five meetings of around 90 minutes each. The mediator will suggest a schedule of sessions at your initial meeting so both you and your ex know what you are committing to before agreeing to mediation.

If your ex still won’t go to mediation, you could suggest that they have an introductory meeting with a mediator (MIAM).

Your ex may want to proceed straight to court for a number of reasons:

• They are exempt from the legal requirement to consider mediation (for example, in cases of domestic violence or if a child is at risk).
• They have already attended a MIAM and feel mediation is not an option.
• They are unaware of the mediation process or what it entails.
• They are unaware that you would like to go to mediation.

In these cases it is important that you attend court. You can, however, inform your ex, their solicitor and the judge of your preference for mediation. Even if a court hearing has begun, the judge can adjourn it while mediation takes place.

In reaching a verdict the court will take into account the conduct of both parties in the build up to the hearing. By law you must consider mediation and attend at least one MIAM to see if it is a viable option.

The judge will expect you to have a good reason for not having tried mediation. If they feel you have not been sufficiently committed to resolving the dispute out of court, this could influence their verdict in terms of the division of financial assets and the awarding of costs.